Hello.
…so I haven’t been posting on the forums as much, and I’M NOT LEAVING, don’t worry, I just wanted to talk. Maybe a bit about why I haven’t been as active. I know a lot of people do this, and in the end, it’s not that big of a deal, but… maybe the reason might help you guys a bit.
Maybe.
So, basically, for the past 3 months or so, I think, I’ve really started thinking about interactions. Just interactions with people, anyone you know. Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Anyone, really. How do they go about? How do they… work? I used to think I did, but I don’t think so anymore.
How about we start at one point. How can we have a truly authentic connection with a person? Is it even possible? I’ve learned that it’s entirely dependent on the person. I looked at what it all really is, and I started to realise that I’m not really that real to anyone, not very truthful. I align myself to scenarios to get certain reactions. In fact, I’ve done that all my life.
And it makes you feel alone.
I may not be alone when it comes to people. There are people all around me, people who “know” me. But they don’t actually, they don’t because I hide parts of myself to make them like me, to make them think I’m cool. Because I’m not really. I’m not as cool as I try to convey. And I do it differently to everyone I know. To some I act jovial and talkative, because I know that’s what they want, what they see me as. To others, I’m quiet and to the side, because they want to be listened to.
I am a shapeshifter. I don’t have a true personality, because it seems completely defined by who I’m talking to. And the worst part is that the lie IS my truth now. I don’t have a truth because all the encounters I have ever had in my life have just been LIES. So I don’t have one. I don’t have a personality. It’s strange. It’s hard to explain, but… if personalities were represented as 1D lines, I feel like a 2D plane. I don’t have a single personality.
So no matter what I say, I’m not speaking as ME. All of me. It’s impossible. I’d have to act as a slice of my 2D plane to match the 1D line personalities we convey in conversation. Maybe you guys are planes too. But I’d never know, because we only express ourselves in dialogue using 1D lines. Even now, even here, this isn’t… this isn’t me talking. Just the part of me I want you to interact with, that I want to hear. It’s like we’re acting out a play.
But anyway… yeah. I just felt like putting that out there. Sorry if it’s intense or something. I hope it gets approved, it’s nothing major.